No, nothing like that. We're definitely not ready to start trying. But the other day, I had a flashback to what it felt like during the year we were trying to get pregnant the first time. I had a momentary sensation of those feelings of anxiety, fear, sadness, anger and disappointment. And it made me really nervous for when we start trying again. But, as Ruthie came in God's perfect timing, I know I have to trust and believe.
But I had another revelation when I was thinking about what it felt like to be trying. I remembered the longing to get pregnant and have a child and I realized, as I sat there thinking about it, that I really didn't even know what I was longing for. Now that Ruthie is here and I can hold her in my arms and kiss her and nurse her and play with her, it's almost like the longing I did before wasn't sufficient. Does that make sense? But how could I long appropriately, when I didn't know all the places of my heart that Ruthie would fill? Seriously, what did I love before she came? (Yes, of course, Ian, but you know what I mean.)
Naturally, the realization that now, if it takes us a long time to get pregnant again, my longing will perhaps be MUCH MORE intense, was a little worrisome. It was hard before and I didn't truly understand what I was longing for. Now that I do know, will I be able to handle it if the answer is again "Wait"? I hope so.
Help me, Lord, to be patient and to trust in your goodness, which has always far exceeded my meager faith.
I've never met anyone who found waiting for something they longed for easy or fun. The joy is in the fulfillment of that waiting. And knowing that God has been faithful makes waiting, if not easier, somehow more bearable.
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