Last year at this time, we were still desperately wanting to get pregnant. It seemed like it was happening to everyone around us except for us. We'd already been trying for 6 months and didn't know that we had 6 more to go before that magic "pregnant" sign would appear on the stick. It was a hard time - at least, I think it was a hard time. That's what my journal indicates and even what this blog hinted at.
But the truth is, I can hardly remember it. Isn't that strange? Or is that God's mercy, that once the pain is past and answer has come, we can't remember the despair any more? During the year of trying to get pregnant, it felt so real, so raw, so present. But now I don't feel any of that; in fact, I can barely remember what it did feel like. When I look back now, it feels like less of a big deal, like we didn't even try that long, like it wasn't a disappointing process. I can hardly remember being sad each month, even though I know I was.
Why do you think that is? Is it, as I've proposed, God's mercy? Or is it part of being human, that we can only feel and hold onto the emotions we're experiencing now? So what does that mean about learning from past mistakes and being thankful for past blessings, like the Israelites were called to do? Is that categorically against our human nature? Or am I the only one who experiences this phenomenon?
Regardless, in this case, I'm thankful for the memory loss - or rather, the emotional memory loss. I know I felt sad, but I can't conjure up those feelings anymore. My emotions don't seem to remember them. And for that, I'm thankful. I can live in the blessing of this little life, which I feel inside me almost constantly, and not feel resentful that it didn't happen sooner, that it didn't happen on our time table, that it happened to other people faster, sooner, etc. I'm so thankful for our little cricket (less than three months to go!) and so thankful for my emotional memory amnesia.
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