19 Things I've Learned in a Year of Trying to Get Pregnant

Lately, I've been thinking about what I've learned in a year of trying to get pregnant. Just this morning, I was musing (like the use of the blog title there?) about how when you're praying for something, the NO answer and the WAIT answer don't really feel that different in the moment. And that's scary. Because I feel like the answer is WAIT. But what if the answer is NO?

Anyway, here are a few things I've learned in a year of trying to get pregnant.

1. I am not in control.
2. Each month seems like it takes forever, but somehow, it's already been a year. Just one of the many contradictions that are part of this process.
3. Another contradiction - I am the happiest each month when it's the time in the cycle that I know I'm not pregnant. Isn't that strange? After the initial disappointment, it's my favorite two weeks of every month. No pressure, no worries, no dietary changes (more on that later), no wondering, no waiting. Just livin' my regular life.
4. Talking about it helps.
5. Talking about it doesn't help.
6. Husbands do not and probably can not respond in the same way. I have a few dear friends who are in a similar process as me and we frequently comment that it just isn't the same for our husbands. It's not their body, so they don't feel every little thing and wonder if it meant something. And they don't physically experience the NO answer each month.
7. Speaking of physically experiencing the no answer each month, can I just say I am so sick of periods? Periods suck.
8. Pregnant ladies are everywhere. How is that as soon as you're trying you notice about 10 a day? And make that 30 when at church!
9. People who don't know your process at all often ask you when you're going to have a baby. It's hard to know how to respond to that. I feel like yelling at them, "We're trying! We're not in control!" but then I remember that I used to ask that question too, before experiencing my own sadness.
10. People who do know your process don't really know what to say. (Which I totally get. I'm just making a list here.)
11. Another contradiction - I have a love/hate relationship with the my pre-natal vitamins. I often resent taking them, since they taste gross and are expensive and I'm not even pregnant. Taking them makes me feel foolish. So I stop. But then I wonder if taking them might help me get pregnant. So I take them. Then I remember Item #1 and wonder at the point of it all.
12. Each month, I think I'm not as hopeful as in previous months, that I'm playing it cool, that I'm getting used to the disappointment, that it won't hurt that bad when the no answer comes. And then it comes and I realize I was just as hopeful as always.
13. Sometimes while we're in the "waiting zone," I refrain from certain foods (like sushi, or alcohol, or pain medications) so that I don't jiggle our potential baby's brain. But some months I go through the same process with this as with Item #11, so I decide to eat like normal. And then I feel lame for not being able to give up a few things I like for two weeks, in the off chance that I'm pregnant. And then I remember Item #1 and wonder the point of it all anyway.
14. As you can tell from this post, I've learned that the process of trying for a baby is very cyclical, confusing process.
15. Well-meaning comments can really hurt my feelings.
16. Pregnancy symptoms are apparently very common, even when you're not pregnant. I wish I didn't know any of them, because I have all of them. Every month. And it's really annoying.
17. I've found that other women who have gone through a similar process (with a similar length of time) can probably relate with 98% of the things on the list. That feels comforting - I'm not being crazy, I'm just hoping to have something that is very deep to being a woman.
18. Adoption doesn't seem like that strange of a thing after all.
19. People sometimes say (not necessarily to me, but about wanting something), "You just need to let go, then God will give it to you." Really? Is that how God works? First of all, that's a lot easier said than done to let go. And I think God can tell when we've only let go in theory, thinking we can trick him into giving us the thing we want. Plus, I don't think he works that way anyway.

I'm sure there are other things I've learned, but this is long enough as it is. If you're reading this, I'm assuming it's because you love me. So, please pray for me. Ask the Lord for this good gift for us. And ask Him to help me be brave as we continue to wait.