A Little Deeper

I don't know exactly why I've done this - I've got ideas, for sure, but I'll save those for a future post. I've hinted, skirted and been vague, and I guess today, all of the sudden, I'm done with that. I'm going to come right out and say it.

Ian and I are trying to have a baby.

There. It's out there. Whew! I think I finally realized that this space is supposed to be a place for me to process, and I've been worried about being "too open" or "too personal" but the truth is, it's a personal blog. And who am I worried about being too open with? I'm pretty sure the only people reading this are people who know and love me, people I don't mind having part of my process.

So here's our process so far: 9 months of trying (and I mean, trying). For some people, that may be no time at all; for others, it's twice as long as they ever had to try (if they even had to try). But the beautiful thing is, this blog isn't about other people. So I don't have to worry about other people's process. I'm here to work through my own. (Narcissism, party of one? Oh, there you are, Esther.) =)

I've had TONS of thoughts in the last 9 months, which I will certainly not attempt to detail here. That would overwhelm me for sure, and probably the two or three other people that read this. But today, I had a new thought, and given my breakthrough openness, I thought I would share it.

The crazy thing about trying to get pregnant is that each month, you wonder if your whole life is about to change. That's a big thing to gear up for every month. As the days count up (28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35), you begin to think, "Is everything about to be different? Am I going to find out in a day or two that everything is going to change - my body, my status, my relationship with Ian, my future work plans, my free time, my finances (plus all the other things I don't know because I'm not a parent)?" Each month, you wonder if life as you know it will be changed forever.

And then each month (at least for us so far), the answer is, no. No, life tomorrow is not going to be different than today. No, it is not all about to change. No, next week will not bring new and uncharted territories.

Until in three weeks, you begin to go through it again. Very strange process indeed.