The Great Meltdown of 2012

I suppose it's a little early to declare what happened last night as "The Great Meltdown of 2012" because it's only January - I suppose much worse is probably coming in the 11 months that remain. But let me tell you, there was lots and lots of crying last night.

It all started when I was trying to put Ruthie down. She was fighting sleep and wouldn't be soothed, so I "gave in" and gave her the pacify. I really battle with the pacifier concept On the one hand, it's so nice that it comforts here. But on the other hand, I feel like sometimes we give it to her just to make our lives easier - but then, is that a bad thing? Anyway, back to the point. I was discouraged last night that I couldn't sooth her and that I had to give her a pacifier. In the meantime, I began to sense what felt like my third, count it, THIRD plugged duct in a week and a half. So by the time I got done with Ruthie and walked into our family room, I had worked myself into an emotional frenzy. As soon as I saw Ian, I burst into tears.

And I would say I stayed in those tears for about twenty minutes. Of course, Ian was trying to comfort me and figure out what he could say to make me feel better. After we'd been talking for a while, he asked me to name three things I was worried about, and then two things I was very excited about. Questions like that are always good because they force me to vocalize what I'm feeling and why I'm crying.

I said I was worried about the pacifier and if we were doing the right thing by giving it to Ruthie. Heather, my sister in law, says that one of the hardest things about being a new parent is all the hundreds of decisions you are now making for this new little person. And it's so true. Should we swaddle her? Does she need to be changed? Should I feed her now? Do you think she's cold? Are we giving her the pacifier too much?

Which brings us back to the topic at hand.

So that was the first thing. Then, of course, I said I was worried about losing the weight. It's funny - you go out in public, like to church or Disneyland, and people ask you how old your baby is. Whatever answer you give, they then look you up and down, and you can just feel them assessing whether they think you look good or not for the time frame you gave. And normally, weight stuff doesn't bother me, but in this case, I have such few things that fit and I don't want to wear the same five things for three months. (It's tough to be so vain, I know.) Plus, as I wept to Ian last night, I like to eat and I'm hungry at lot of the time now, so I battle in my mind about wanting to eat and wanting to lose weight.

Okay, enough of that. The third thing I said I was worried about was my plugged ducts. It would seem I'm prone to plugged ducts and they are very painful and consuming. We had planned on going to Disneyland again today (we ended up being blocked out) and I didn't want to give that up to spend all day trying to clear the duct. And I don't want to spend the next year living in terror that one might be coming.

As I moaned all of this out to Ian, I also felt guilty. Sometimes I feel bad complaining because Ruthie is such a good baby, but the truth is, I have bad days too, even with an easy baby. I have so many hormones raging and even though she's good, I'm still under slept and it's still a HUGE transition becoming a parent. I should like I'm justifying, don't I?

But on to the bright side. In response to what I'm looking forward to, I said staying home with Ruthie. I am so excited and feel so blessed that we are able to make it work for me to stay home with this precious girl. I love taking care of her and am so honored that I get to do that with my time now.

I also said I was looking forward to my parents coming home. They've been on a cruise for about three weeks now and I miss them. There is something about becoming a mom myself that has made me want to spend more time with my own mom. I look forward to them coming home in a few days, so I can call her about my plugged duct or how Ruthie's fighting her nap or about the amazingly cute thing she did. My mom is a great audience for things like that - even though she has 13 grandchildren, she thinks each one is the most incredible. So you can see why I want to spend time with her. I hope some day Ruthie feels about me how I feel about my mom.

So that is the conclusion to the great meltdown. I love this blog; it's a good place for me to process and share and be real. And the real truth is, sometimes, I lay on the couch and blubber to my husband. Poor man; he probably thought that was ending with pregnancy. Boy, did he have another thing coming. We'll just have to see what other meltdowns lie ahead. Brace yourselves, people.