Ian is away tonight at a funeral for the father of a co-worker. The Bugster is down for the count and I'm settling in for a nice, rambling blog post on motherhood. I'm not sure if it's because I've been re-reading the Anne of Green Gables series, or because I'm 6 1/2 months pregnant, but I'm feeling sentimental and mushy. And I don't even mind it.
Today was beautiful. It was a lovely spring day. Ruthie and I spent much of the day in the backyard, enjoying the sunshine and gentle breeze. While I was pushing her in the swing, listening to her squeal and shout with joy, I felt our new baby kicking happily inside me. In that moment, I knew like there was no where else I would rather be, nothing else I'd rather be doing. Each day that I spend at home, in this new life in which I now find myself, I feel so thankful and amazed at the beauty of motherhood.
My heart is so full of Ruthie - her smiles, her babbling, her expressive hand motions, her hair sprouts, her chubby hands, her open mouth kisses, her giggles, her little, impressionable soul. I love getting her out of bed in the morning, as she "tells" me all about her night; I love reading her a story (or ten) before nap time, as she picks them off the shelf and thrusts them in my face, motioning "please" frantically; I love listening to her hum as she eats her meals with gusto; I love her eight small words that she says with such eagerness. I love that girl. And I love that she made me a mother. Being a mother is so much more than I ever knew. The love and protection I feel for Ruthie is astounding and my desire to save her from all pain and sadness is almost overwhelming. I always hoped to be a mother, but I didn't long for it deeply the way some women do. But now that I am a mother, it makes my heart so full. So, so full. I had no idea.
I got an email today from my sister about a friend of hers who goes to our church, who is suffering her second bout of brain cancer. I know this woman a little - we chatted once in the nursing mother's room at our church while we both feed our babies - and it breaks my heart to think of those little ones (she has two older kids as well as the baby) possibly losing their mother. It makes no sense and it certainly doesn't seem fair; and while it causes me much confusion and heartache for that family, it also makes me grateful for the life I have been so inexplicably blessed with.
With another baby on the way, I am so excited to see this love expand. I can already tell that there is more room in my heart, more spaces for this new baby to fill, more dreams to come true with this new little life. Being a mother has changed me, forever and completely, and I'm so grateful God saw fit to answer that prayer. I didn't even know how much I wanted it and how rich it would make life. Thank you, Jesus, for my babies and for motherhood!
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